Shame
by autumnrose2010
Summary: Based on season 1, episode 14, 'Forced Entry.' Erin Murphy comforts her husband Leonard after his murder trial.
1. Trying To Move On

"Why didn't you tell me right after it happened?" she asked. "I would have been here for you through the whole ordeal if I'd only known!"

"I was just so ashamed." The agony in her husband's eyes pierced her soul. "You almost never hear of a man being raped. Men are supposed to be strong, able to defend ourselves. I tell you, Erin, I've never felt so helpless in my life as when he tied me to that bed post."

"I know." She held him close, and he buried his face in her bosom as she gently stroked his dark brown hair. "The judge understood, too. That's why he gave you a suspended sentence."

"I'm not a killer, Erin. It's just that seeing that bastard walking around free was more than I could stand, knowing how much I'd suffered, how much all his victims had suffered. I knew there was only one way I could make sure he'd never rape anybody again."

"I know you're a decent man, Lenny." What could she say to comfort him? "I don't blame you for what you did, but you shouldn't have kept it all bottled up inside. You should have told me."

"I know." His voice sounded weak. "Can you ever forgive me for putting you through this?"

"There's nothing to forgive, Lenny. It's all over now, and we have to try to put it behind us and get on with our lives."

"I don't know how." She heard the sob in his throat and it touched her deeply. "Life will never be the same for me again."

"I know. It'll never be the same for me either, but we have to be strong and somehow survive. It's the only choice we have."

"I know." He stood and took both her hands into his own. "I love you, Erin."

"I love you too, Lenny. It's gonna be all right." As they silently embraced, he felt the coldness inside him begin to thaw just a little.


	2. Nightmares

Erin read the newspaper's headline. 'Killer of accused rapist given suspended sentence.' She remembered the double shock of finding out first that her husband had been a victim of sexual assault, and then that he had killed a man. After the shock had worn away, she'd felt guilty. If only she hadn't been out of the country buying fabric, Leonard wouldn't have been alone and vulnerable.

_No point in dwelling on that, _she told herself. _There's still the store to run, and everything else to be dealt with._

Like the way Leonard looked this morning, for example. The bags underneath his eyes told her that he'd gotten very little sleep the previous night.

"Morning, hon." She went to him and embraced him.

"Morning," he said weakly, stumbling toward the coffee machine.

"Here, I've already poured you a cup." She sat it in front of him. "Two creams and two sugars, just like you like it."

"Thanks," he mumbled. He poured himself a bowl of cereal and sat down at the table. She sat across from him and gently massaged his shoulder. "Nightmares again?"

He nodded.

"I was hoping they'd finally stop, now that it's all over." She reflected on the many sleepless nights she'd spent herself, pacing the floor and wringing her hands, scared to death that her husband would be sent to prison for life, or possibly even sentenced to death. How would she ever go on without him if that happened?

They'd met several years previously, and even though Leonard was nineteen years her senior, they'd quickly discovered that they had an incredible amount in common and enjoyed one another's company very much. They'd both endured unhappy first marriages and painful divorces so had been slow to trust again, but within a relatively short period of time, they'd known that they were in love and wanted to spend the rest of their lives together.

They'd started the fabric business about six months after they'd married. He'd had a business selling surf boards and beach gear, and she'd worked as a secretary for an attorney. She'd enjoyed her job and been hesitant to give it up, but Leonard had persuaded her that the business would be more profitable if they both devoted themselves to it full time. Fortunately, she'd stayed on good terms with her former boss, as he'd represented Leonard in his murder trial.

She remembered the look of disappointment she'd seen on the face of Lieutenant Horatio Caine when he'd learned of the suspension of Leonard's sentence. She knew the investigator had wanted her husband to do hard time for what he'd done to Thomas Carpenter. But he hadn't been the one who'd held Leonard when he'd cried at night after one of his nightmares. He had no idea what it was like to be violated in the most personal and intimate way.

"No such luck." Leonard's voice brought her back to the present.

Erin covered his hand with her own. "I wish I knew of something I could do to help."

She'd looked into counseling centers for rape victims, but they'd all seemed primarily geared toward female victims. She hadn't found a single support group for male rape victims.

Not that Leonard would have consented to go to such a group anyway, as he'd always prided himself on being able to manage on his own without help. That was why he hadn't even told Erin what had happened to him until it was out in the open and he had no other choice.

She'd known that something was amiss almost from the moment Leonard had picked her up at the airport after her overseas flight. They hadn't made love at all since before she'd left. He never initiated it anymore, and if she did herself, he always had some excuse about being too tired or not feeling well.

They finished their breakfast and then headed to the fabric store together. It was time for another day of work.


End file.
